


Discovering New Hobbies

by Sexycanofsoup



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Crack, M/M, turn back now
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-11
Updated: 2014-06-11
Packaged: 2018-02-04 05:28:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1767193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sexycanofsoup/pseuds/Sexycanofsoup
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Erwin's fiery predicament is abruptly resolved when he walks in on Levi screwing a vegetable. A zucchini to be precise. Cracky and ridiculous. You're probably already facepalming.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Discovering New Hobbies

Discovering new hobbies:

Erwin was usually a knocker. The idea of encroaching on Levi’s privacy was nothing short of a horror to him. Only this time he was in a rush, you see, for his hair was on fire. Therefore, just this once, he thought it prudent to venture forth without the usual knocking and proceed to beg for the miniscule captain’s assistance in the matter.

“Levi!” he cried out in an operatic voice that made the very angels in heaven weep, “Please assist me! My perfectly coifed hair is now a flaming inferno!”

Levi looked up at him and paused what he was doing, which was mainly stuffing a very large zucchini up his ass. He didn’t seem impressed.  
“And?” the tiny asshole prompted. “What makes you think that I give a fuck?”

Erwin looked at Levi’s pale, and nearly microscopic ass, and then at the over a foot long zucchini and was so surprised that the fire atop his head went out.

“W-what are you doing?” he asked, though the question’s answer was pretty obvious.

Levi could have pointed this fact out to the man, but he liked Erwin a lot more than he did other people, so with a put upon sigh he provided Erwin with an answer.

“Stuffing this turnip up my ass,” he stated.

A small yet awkward pause ensured.

“Um…that’s a zucchini,” Erwin pointed out. He liked being helpful that way.

Levi, who had never been good at vegetable identification, scowled deeply. “That goddamn lying piece of shit grocer! I’ll arrest him for this!”

“It’s okay,” Erwin soothed, “It was an honest mistake.” Though Levi could sense he was lying because, honestly, the idea of anyone mistaking a zucchini for a turnip was preposterous to the handsome commander.

“I’m going to stuff this down his throat and demand a refund,” Levi huffed.

“That doesn’t sound very sanitary,” Erwin admitted.

“You’re damn right it isn’t!” Levi crowed, waving the used zucchini over his head for emphasis.

Now as much as Erwin wanted to encourage Levi in his self-expression, he needed to ask the question that was burning on his tongue.

 “But why?”

Levi crinkled his brow. “Why a turnip?” he guessed.

“Why _anything?”_ Erwin asked, feeling a light blush creep over his face and neck. He didn’t worry about it because his DNA ensured that anything his body did would be hot as hell. He could see this was indeed the case because Levi had started to drool a bit.

“Oh,” Levi answered, wiping some of the drool away only to have more replace it. (Erwin was _extraordinarily_ hot after all.) “You told me to find a new hobby that didn’t include decapitating people.”

Erwin began to choke on his own tonsils as the realization that this zucchini butt stuffing was somehow _his_ fault hit him like a sack of Titan entrails.

Levi noted his look of horror, and shrugged. “This was more interesting than stamp collecting,” he said by way of explanation.

Erwin was still speechless, so Levi cast his eyes around in order to amuse himself. It was at that moment that his predator eyes settled on the significant bulge in Erwin’s pants.

“Is that a turnip in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?” Levi asked, a knowing smirk on his face.

“Actually,” Erwin corrected, finding his voice as he pulled his pants open and yanked out an object, “It’s a large cucumber. I saved it from lunch. It’s a handy way to store a snack.”

Levi looked thoughtful. “Hmm…how come I never thought of that?” he mused.

Erwin allowed himself one moment of pride. “Hey, they didn’t make me commander for my pretty face alone.”

Levi smirked and leaned back on his elbows, naked as the day he was born. The zucchini lay forgotten beside him. “But you _do_ admit that it did play a large role in your selection, right?”

Erwin didn’t bother to move his eyes from where they were glued to Levi’s crotch. “Naturally,” he stated.

“God, you’re hot,” Levi admitted, his own eyes painting a bullseye on Erwin’s crotch.

Erwin found that he didn’t mind in the slightest.

“So…” Levi ventured, tilting his hips upward to allow for an even better view. Levi cold be considerate when he wanted to be. “Is that a second vegetable in your pants or…”

“Nope,” Erwin said shamelessly, “That would be my penis.”

Levi let out a low whistle. Erwin rolled his eyes. The man did this every time his impressive organ was brought up in a conversation.

Erwin took a bite from the cucumber he was still holding, chewing it all sexy-like. Levi was drooling again, and it wasn’t because he was craving cucumbers.

Erwin looked at Levi with blazing eyes. They lasted for one intense moment, and then they both leapt forward, meeting somewhere in the middle while both scrambled to yank at Erwin’s clothes.

“Shit! Stop doing them up so tight, you bastard!” Levi grumbled, tearing at the leather straps.

“I like to watch you sweat a little,” Erwin said with a smirk, though his fingers were just as desperate.

“I’m calling top,” Levi growled.

Erwin let out a laugh. He had to give the other man credit for trying.

“In your dreams, slut boy,” Erwin said, lifting Levi bodily and tossing him onto the bed.

Levi grinned. The only reason he ever asked was because he enjoyed Erwin’s manhandling.

Erwin landed on Levi like a deranged gorilla, and they began to roll around like a pair of ancient pervy animals.

“You smell like zucchini,” Erwin pointed out around a mouthful of Levi’s cock.

“No,” Levi corrected over a stilted moan, “I smell like I don’t give a fuck. Now take it all, I know you lost your gag reflex somewhere around our third expedition together.”

Erwin developed a dreamy look in his eyes. “I remember. I couldn’t believe how flexible you were.”

Levi rolled his eyes and yanked Erwin back up by his hardened dick. “Less talking, more fucking,” he instructed.

And Erwin obliged.

Later, in their mutual post coital bliss, Levi shook his commander who was on the verge of sleep.

“Hey,” Levi murmured, squeezing Erwin’s ass for the hell of it. “I forgot to ask. Why was your hair on fire in the first place?”

Erwin smiled sleepily as Levi patted his slightly charred hairdo, and pulled the man more snugly against his chest. “Oh, you know, I just thought I should take my own advice and cultivate a hobby.”

Levi rolled his eyes before closing them. “Just stick to sex,” he advised. “It’s the only thing you’re good at besides looking sexy in spandex.”

Erwin didn’t bother to answer. He was saving his energy for another round.

**Author's Note:**

> Ha! To all those who thought I couldn't write something short--well, here it is. This idea came to me while I was bored in class, so i decided to make you guys suffer with it as well. Zero angst, zero plot elements, and zero sense. Hope you guys liked it anyway. love you all <3


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